I have to say I am truly grateful for the time that was provided for me to stay home with Hudson in the first few weeks of his life, however, on the eve of going back to work I find myself dreading the morning hours. In 8 short weeks my sweet boy has changed so much and I know he will continue to change, what if I miss something, how will I be able to deal with it? I know that in this day in age that mothers do work, and I always said I would go back to work, but it's really hard to handle. And to top it all off, Hudson is getting his 8 week shots on Friday, this week is going to be HELL for me! I know tomorrow will be the worst day, it will get better as the days go on, but it's the anticipation right now that I'm feeling of having to leave Hudson, for longer than just the 2 or 3 hours in between feedings that I've been doing. As I sit here and type this out, I can hear Hudson and Jason laughing and cooing with one another, it breaks my heart that I might miss out on some of those times while I'm at work.
The past 8 weeks have been hard, don't get me wrong, it was no walk in the park. In the beginning I think I was functioning on little to no sleep, I even fell asleep for about 20 minutes while nursing one morning - Hudson didn't seem to mind, he kept eating! Then we got into a little bit of a routine, he was eating every 3 hours and sleeping about 4-5 hours at night. Then he began sleeping longer, going about 5-6 hours at night, giving us some more time, then all of a sudden around 6 weeks he began sleeping about 6-7 hours and has been ever since, with the exception of the past few days since he's been a little sick. During the day, I nurse, then pump, by the time I get everything done and pump parts washed and milk in the fridge, Hudson starts getting fussy wanting to eat again. I barely have time to even use the restroom these days! Now he's doing a lot better, he can entertain himself so I can put him down, he doesn't nurse quite as long so I get done quicker and have a little bit more time to do things in between feedings. Of course it's been nice when Jason or my mom are around and I can pass him off for someone else to burp and change him. I hurt from head to toe, my body is so run down I don't know what can possibly go wrong next, I don't care to cook, clean, or do laundry...anything that requires more energy than sitting on the couch; the only thing that does keep me going from day to day is seeing my sweet boy's smile every morning! It makes the aches and pains all go away to hear those first few coos and laughs every morning. I do have to admit, the house is very dusty...I didn't really care to dust much before but it would get to a point that I would break down and clean, but these days catching a 15 minute nap is more important to me than dusting the dresser or figuring something out for dinner, or doing that load of laundry, or that load of dishes...I think I need a maid!
I do have to say how truly blessed I feel that God chose me to be his mother, this amazing little man is all mine; mine to raise, mine to teach, mine to mold into a loving man just like his father. I hope in the past 8 weeks I haven't forgotten to do something, forgotten to tell him how much I love him, and I hope that in the years to come that I don't forget to do something. Sure, there'll be mistakes along the way...like running the car seat and/or stroller into walls, doors, clothes racks, ect.; or bumping your head on the handle of the car seat because I forgot to put it down; or forgetting that you will spit all the milk back up if I change your diaper right after I feed you; or forgetting to cover everything up while changing a diaper and getting an unexpected "shower" and many, many more, but I hope with each of those lil' mistakes that I walk away with a lesson learned and maybe a laugh or two to share with you when Hudson gets older.
I am blessed to have this amazing son, blessed to have such an amazing husband, blessed to have such amazing friends and family in my life; I don't know what I did in this world to deserve such wonderful blessings but I am truly grateful for them all, each and every one of them!
Lots to do before the evening is over though...I have to pack a bag for my sweet monkey to take to grandma's tomorrow, *tear*, and make sure I have everything ready for me too. I really should have thought this out a little better rather than picking the first day of school to try to go back to work! Sheesh!!!
G'nite!
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