The past week has been pretty tough...to say the least. My family lost a dear friend, his family lost a husband and father, his parents lost a son. Words can not even begin to express what mine and Jason's hearts have felt, they are just shattered. We remain strong on the outside with the occassional breakdown, but it has been hard. This has led to the most annoying question ever - how are you doing? I can not even begin to describe how much I have hated hearing this question. Jason and I have talked about it all, how angry we are - with the situation, with some of the insensitive comments we overhear from others, with just life in general these days. Every little thing has been bugging us, and I mean everything. We do get a small chuckle out of each other at the end of each day because we compare "so you're never going to believe this" stories.
We just kept saying that if we could make it through the funeral then everything would be ok, we could move forward after that. Well, the funeral was very moving - I don't think that I could ever have prepared myself for the release of that many emotions. Brian was a remarkable man, that goes without saying, and it really showed just how remarkable at his funeral. To hear a Congress representative all the way down to his parents talk of all the wonderful things Brian set out to do, and then to hear of how he did achief all those goals he had set out for himself. I think Jason and I both have new perspectives on life, and hope that we can raise Hudson to appreciate all the little things in life and never take anything for granted. I'm sad that Hudson will never get to meet Brian, but I also know that Brian touched many lives and his legacy will live on and Hudson will get to see that as he grows up.
Here lately I've heard a lot more people make comments about being married to a cop. I can honestly say that because I'm married to a cop and because of the support of all the other wives, that I have been able to make it through this past week! I am not any more worried about what Jason does for a living than I was a week ago. I have been irritated by people who try to understand what I'm going through this week. I so badly want to yell "no you don't" but I know they are just being caring. It's hard to make someone understand that while I do worry every night when Jason walks out that door I am also proud of him and the job that he has chosen. I know that a lot of officers have second guessed themselves this past week, "is this really the job that I should be doing?" and I'd be lying if I said that the thought hasn't crossed my mind as well, but then I think "what else would Jason be doing?" and nothing comes to mind. Brian's parents said that when he was little he said he was going to grow up and be the best cop and I believe that he was. His wife told us, as we were crying, to stop crying - that she was at peace with this because she knew that Brian was doing what he loved and he wouldn't have it any other way. Then to have it all come full circle, as we get home and Jason tell me how proud he is of me and that he knows I am a strong person and could show that same strength if it were us in this situation. I know that Jason strives each and every day to be the best cop that he can be, that he is doing what he loves and God forbid something happen to him, but I now know that I have strength and a great support system to get through anything!
I'd be lying if I said I didn't hate some of the aspects of the job sometimes. I hate how tired he is sometimes, I hate that he is on a night shift right now and quality time is a treat for us these days, I hate that he has to work late some days so I go over 24 hours without seeing him sometimes...but I chose Jason and everything about him. He chose his career a long time ago, I chose him 8 years ago. I try to not fret too much about it though, because I don't ever want to resent his choice and his job. Yes I'm scared that something might happen to him, but I also know that something could happen to him on his drive to and from work that could be just as severe. So what's the point of causing all that unwanted stress?
We have no way of knowing when God could call us home, so we must live each and every day to its fullest and never take anything for granted. Always be kind to one another and know that God has THE plan and will make everything ok. This is His world, we're just living in it.
I am a police officer's wife - and pretty darn proud of it (and him!)
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